Today, while sitting with my sister-in-law on the floor of the playroom while the little ones chewed on lincoln logs and called each other on old cell phones, we had pieces of great conversation. Real conversation. Life crap, you know?
My therapy, mothers, being mothers and wives, our in-laws, educations and the paths they have take us on, more children or no more children, family vacations, holiday plans, birthday celebration plans, life fulfillment and meaning, and being in our early 30’s.
Neither of us recall ever hearing about how transformational different decades of life are. We talked about how both of our paths have been in the ‘proper’ order, the american dream if you will. College, grad school, marriage, buy a house, and then sell it and buy a bigger house, job change, children, larger vehicles, composting…
Our twenties were about the transformation from being an individual to becoming part of a couple and working on careers and higher education and moving and buying houses. Now in our early thirties, we find ourselves the mothers of two kids each, the wives of great guys who have very strong genes that show up in the four grandchildren of our in-laws, we each drive mini-vans (the same model, in fact), and we’re both exploring; testing a theory of a journey that provides more than what we have already been blessed with.
In my own journey I’m experimenting. Trying out different ideas of myself, wondering if one will ever feel right or if I’m just going to have to pick and deal. I think I’m hitting on some things that are going to stick and are starting to feel personal. These small awakenings are something so deep inside me, coming from a core that I’d lost track of, like it was buried in a forgotten place. Sometimes I don’t know which to be in awe of; the ideas themselves, or the place they are coming from.
I intend to let ideas wash over me and sit for a while, just hanging out. Maybe talk about them with someone, but probably not. I keep searching for quiet spaces so things can bubble up or wash in or scream out or burrow down.