Mere Intention

be vulnerable

Month: May, 2015

Son

I had a meeting get bumped up this evening, so I went straight from the office instead of going home, then heading back downtown. I got home at 820 and loved on the kids for a bit, a slow bedtime.

I told Titus I was sorry for not coming home before my meeting. He said it was okay…but something was off. I then asked if it hurt his feelings that I didn’t come home like we had discussed this morning. He looked me in the eye and said, ‘yes, if that’s okay.’ I reassured him that it was completely okay to feel his feelings, and that I was sorry…and then explained to him that I got to be home to put him to bed since I met early. He got it.

I told him that I miss him during the day, and his response was, ‘me, too.’

He is my best boy.

over it.

work less.

work more.

i need you.

why are you here?

where were you?

where are you?

give.

give.

give.

receive…nope, not really.

you are valued – in a certain way.

you are needed – in a certain way.

keep everything moving along smoothly. don’t let anything drop. doesn’t matter how much it is you’re juggling – if any of it fails, you’re to blame. nope, doesn’t matter. you should’ve asked for help earlier.

no one is asking you to kill yourself for the sake of anything.

but that’s not the reality i feel.

and i’m tired of it.

tired of showing up constantly. tired of having to be the one. tired of figuring it all out all of the time.

maybe this is a personality flaw. or being a mother. or being a working mother. or a wife. or the daughter of a dying man. or a sister who fails. or a friend who doesn’t respond. or being an adult. or being a fucking human being.

over it.

change has to happen soon – as i watch the wind swirl blossoms and leaves around in noisy little circles on my driveway.

change has to happen soon – where i am contributing to peoples lives in a real way. as a job. and that likely won’t pay much.

change has to happen soon – for the sake of my kids and husband. its getting harder and harder to justify an overworked and exhausted mother’s lack of attention and energy to the people she says are the most important. i shouldn’t need to justify anything.

just walking away is a million times easier to say than do. safety, consistency, dependability. codependancy.

codependancy is not healthy or appropriate.