Mere Intention

be vulnerable

Month: March, 2016

So, so hard

It was so hard to leave my dad’s house today. I feel like I’m cutting off a finger every time I leave. 

I have terrible anxiety and bad work days where I’m extremely distracted before a visit and then I can just barely leave. I sat with the kids in the driveway and had to take several deep breaths before I could start the truck. 

If it’s the last time I see him, I’m okay with that. Honestly. On Friday he’s at 16 months post-surgery. Monday was 16 months since the phone call that changed everything and the day I started mourning. 

I’m tired. 

 

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What I’m seeing

I’m seeing my dad sleep a lot, eat plenty, have a hard time swallowing here and there, talk a lot about going places, have labored breathing all of a sudden, pee a bit via the catheter, tell us he loves us a lot, mentioned needing to pack this afternoon…

I’ve been here for four full days and these are progressions. 

  

Get Outside

The kid have mostly been outside exploring/playing/arguing for about two and a half hours. 

They have played in the creek, ridden scooters, sharpened sticks with Ti’s Swiss Army knife, made movies, and who knows what else. 

Space, fresh air, siblings, independence. 

Important. 

Tuesday 

Today we went to the zoo with cousins. It was a lot of fun and the weather was gorgeous. Titus promised Grandpa that we’d be back for dinner – and we were, and baked a Stouffer’s lasagna.   

 

We were a bit late to the zoo because Dad was talking to me about being ready to talk to and hang out with his dad and be with God. I’ll never walk away from those moments. 

Dad was napping this evening, half-woke up and called for me to tell me that he’d seen my Grandpa Pitts at the airport and Grandpa had smiled at him. 

My Grandpa Pitts passed away three and a half weeks ago.  

 

We took this photo four days before my grandpa passed.  What a blessing. 

Their Grandpa

He’s sleeping. Loud, quickish breaths. He’s been sleeping well at night and a lot during the day. 

Harper has slept out in the sunroom with him and Grandma every night. Tonight, I sleep out here and Grandma is in her and Grandpa’s room. 

The room they haven’t shared in months. With the closet of clothes and shoes and underwear he doesn’t wear anymore.

We drove his truck here on this trip – the one that I took back home with me in September. It’s no longer in their names. It no longer has Oklahoma plates. 

We play down in the bottom land and explore, wondering where exactly the north property line is. Grandpa can’t remember, let alone show us. 

Outings during the day are tedious for me. Getting the kids at least outside is important. There’s only so much screen time I can stand them having. Their attitudes go to crap otherwise. But then we’re not with Grandpa. 

They miss their daddy terribly. 

My skin is shit, my eating is okay with a sprinkling of coping. I feel like I gain ten pounds just by being in this state. 

Today is 16 months since diagnosis through MRI. 

This is a photo from a year ago today, the day after he took a final chemo pill, at our house, on an impromptu trip with me to see his grandkids, then I drove him back home at the end of the week – 

 

Stepping away from the routine 

The kids and I drove to Oklahoma on Saturday. Thankfully the drive was uneventful. We’ve spent time sitting with Dad, watching tv, cooking and hiking around the property. 

This morning we are sitting around eating cinnamon rolls that we brought from home – Silver Grill cinnamon rolls – for Grandpa. He’s enjoying them. And we’re rotating through the shower. He’s napping. Grandma’s napping. 

Trying to plan small outings each day with the kids. Today: Oklahoma Aquarium.